Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
