At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
