That's when you crack a 10am beer
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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