remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
