i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need to calm my uterus...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
