that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
