If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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