She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
