if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
