New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.