How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
