Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
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Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO