We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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