Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
