genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
