My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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