party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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