Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
