Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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