My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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