Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
