You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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