Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
