he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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