Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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