roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
