Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
