If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
