Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
