At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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