When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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