My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This baby is an asshole
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
