His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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