i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
