Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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