life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
