pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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