god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
