dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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