mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
