maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Also, beer. Big fan.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
