We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
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You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers