bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
