woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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