Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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