I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
