I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
