I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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