My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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