Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
