Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
