I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
