Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm both gender and math confused
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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