Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
