The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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