I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
