I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
