i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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