come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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