She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
