his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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