tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
